Why do men fart more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure. Why did cave men drag their women around by their hair? Because if you drag them by their feet, they fill with dirt. Why did god give men penises? So we'd always have at least one way to shut women up. How is a woman like a laxative? They both irritate the shit out of you. What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig? A woman that won't do what she's told. Why couldn't Helen Keller drive? Because she was a woman. What's it called when a woman is paralysed from the waist down? Marriage. Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds? Because most men are stupid, but few are blind. Why do men die before their wives? Because they want to. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull terrier? Lipstick. Why is a woman like a dog turd? Because the older it is, the easier it is to pick up. How many men does it take to fix the vacuum cleaner? Why the fuck should we fix it? We don't use the damn thing! What's the most active muscle in a woman? The penis Why do women have tits? So men will talk to them. How do you make love to a fat chick? Jerk off in your hand and throw it at her. Why do women skydiver wear tampons? So they don't whistle on the way down. What are the three reasons that make anal sex better than vaginal sex? It's warmer, it's tighter and it's more degrading to the woman Why do women have periods? Because they deserve them. What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig? A man who hates every bone in a woman's body - except his own. If your wife keeps coming out the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong? Made her chain to long. Why was the woman crossing the road? Who cares? But what the fuck was the bitch doing out of the kitchen? How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb? None. They let the bitch do it when she has finished the dishes. How many women does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just sit there in the dark and bitch. What's love? The delusion that one woman is different from another. What do you do when the dish washer doesn't work? Kick her. What do you call a 300 pound woman? Fat. Why are cyclones/tornadoes usually named after women? Because what starts off as a small blow ends up taking half your house. Why did god create lesbians? So feminists couldn't breed. Why is a fat woman like a moped? They're both fun to ride, but you wouldn't want your friends to see you on either. Why can't you trust women? How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and not die? What's the best thing about a blow job? Ten minutes of silence. What's the definition of a woman? A life support system for a pussy. Why do women have arms? Have you any idea how long it would take to lick a bathroom clean?