LONDON WOMEN PREPARE BREASTS FOR INCREASED SPRINGTIME DISPLAY
[ REUTERS UK. 15th March 1999, 1400hrs. Newsflash

Women across the capital celebrated the improved weather this week,
preparing their breasts for the increased exposure and display that the
warm weather now demands. For the last 6-8 months, women's breasts,
obscured by baggy sweaters and shapeless jackets, have existed only in
the imaginations and fond memories of men.

Yet, with the coming of spring, all that has changed, as girls now slip
into less fabric and fewer layers. Their breasts, like animals emerging
from hibernation, once again climb out into the sunshine, stretch out in
the open air and, with near-mythic power, grab the attention of all
around.

"I just bought a new spring 'mini-vest' from French Connection," said
Covent Garden, media-exec Sophie Lambert, 24.  "It is snug. Almost
too-small really. Plenty of blokes seem to notice my tits when I wear it
on sunny days."

Miss Lambert's male colleagues who have seen the vest confirmed that it
was "blinding", and added that they are eagerly looking forward to
seeing her "cracking pair" protrude from within it very soon.  "In
countries with warmer climates, the vast quantities of breasts tend to
take on a diminished significance, because of overexposure," says
Professor Dorothy Primus of the Feminist Studies  Department, University
College London. "The male populace tends to become jaded toward breasts,
as they are nearly always visible even to a casual onlooker" Primus went
on to explain, however, that the UK's ebb and flow of seasons creates a
corresponding ebb and flow of breast visibility.

The recent fine weather and resulting preponderance of breast displays
has brought London to its knees with heterosexual males gawking at the
near-unbelievable levels of mammarian visibility. Although most men
agree that the natural power of the female breast needs no improvement,
some women are using technology to further enhance their breast goals.

Fulham secretary Heather Phillips, 22, a self-confessed  B-cup with
aspirations toward the C-range, plans to covertly employ a  "Wonder
Bra," to make her breasts appear a full cup-size larger throughout  the
summer months. Boyfriend Mark Chambers is reported to be "delighted".
Experts are not surprised by Miss Phillips' breast enhancement efforts,
as spring frequently brings about a heightened air of sexual tension.

Feminist lesbian organizations in London agreed "Although we are deeply
opposed to the systematic sexual objectification of women and their
breasts by male heterodoxy, we lesbians are in a uniquely two-fold
position of strength in these wondrous springtime months, enjoying both
the opportunity to display our fantastic breasts to others, and the
chance to enjoy an eyeful of the breasts of our fellow sisters," says
Megan Thomas of radical group Lesbian Militants for Social Change. Upon
spotting a lithe, crop-topped, female walking nearby, Ms Thomas bit her
knuckles, adding, "I mean... just check out the cans on that."